Monsters Lurking in My Inbox

Like many of my friends, I subscribe to Groupon. For those of you who don't know what that is, Groupon is a deal of the day website that features discounted gift certificates to local businesses. Sometimes, the deals are pretty amazing, too. LivingSocial is its main competition and, honestly, there isn't much difference between the two - at least not in my experience.

I generally don't buy very much off it, although that's not because I don't want to. It's because it's very tempting to buy a lot of the deals on the site and I would absolutely decimate my bank account. The conversation with my boyfriend would go something like this:

"Look, babe! I got us dinner at the new seafood place, and we're getting massages, and I'm getting a pedicure, and we have two hours of housecleaning, a box of free cupcakes, movie tickets for next weekend, and half off aluminium siding installation!!"

"....Sweetheart, our townhouse is made out of brick. And, uhhh, aren't you allergic to fish?"

"Well, that's why we'd need it installed. We can have it done for the whole block! And we'll just buy an Epi-pen. It'll be fine. Seriously. Why are you ruining this for me?!?"

So, yeah. No. I have to stare longingly at the Groupon deals for a few minutes, delete the ones I have no interest in immediately, and leave the cool ones sitting in my inbox with the promise of, "Well, if I still want this tomorrow, I can go back and buy it." And of course, by the time I remember it, it's expired. Which is exactly the idea.

But then there was the Groupon deal for this morning. The Groupon deal for this morning, which I opened long before I had indulged in either breakfast or a much-needed dose of caffeine, was for 50% off a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush.

Why would  you do this?!

No joke. A Justin Bieber singing toothbrush. According to the Groupon website, one plays "Baby" and "U Smile" and the other plays "Love Me" and "Somebody to Love". All for the low, low price of $14! 

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't begrudge the kid his fame. From what I understand, he's a decent singer and pulled himself up from nothing and not in the usual cutesy Hallmark Holiday movie kind of way. Like, from what little I know the kid, he actually pulled himself up from his family being in rather dire financial straights. So, good on him. 

The wholesome, fresh-faced, non-threatening, virginal popstar marketed by Disney as a sex symbol thing just doesn't appeal to me. At all. My boyfriend refers to it, and to Twilight, as abstinence porn. But still, I don't grasp why it's so popular. Maybe it's because I'm an adult. Maybe it's because I don't have any children. But honestly, I find it kind of funny that this thing is considered swoon-worthy by tween girls (and their mothers) all across the country.

Thus, when I opened up my email this morning, all I could think to myself was, "...Good Lord, why?" This was followed almost immediately by a sudden, inexplicable urge to plunk down my $14 for no other reason than finding the idea of prancing around my bathroom, trying to sing around a mouthful of toothpaste, absolutely hilarious. Even moreso when accompanied by the horrified looks it would earn me from my bleary-eyed, barely awake boyfriend on a daily basis. Fortunately, the impulse passed before I did anything stupid. It was funny for all of about ten seconds, but...

Congratulations, Groupon. You win. I am never opening emails from you again.