Or so sang the ineffable Joel Grey and Liza Minnelli in "Cabaret". With that said...
It's entirely possible that I may have already lost a portion of my sanity to this quest for home. Why do I say this? Because I'm currently watching "The Wolfman" on HBO and can't help but draw a few mental comparisons between Benicio del Toro's character and this property. It seems entirely average from the exterior - harmless, perhaps even charming - until it explodes into a furry, slavering monster hellbent on savaging the locals in its lust for blood. Or, in this case, my wallet.
In short, the inspection was not everything that I hoped for.
Of course, I was expecting that. What I was not expecting was to receive a forty-one (41!!) page long report on the condition of the property, complete with three full pages of bright red "defects". I can only imagine this must be what parents feel like, when they receive negative comments on their child's report card - a bit dazed, a bit crushed, and completely in denial. (What do you mean, there's a sewage line leak?! We never felt the need to correct Johnny's little potty-training problems. Besides, you get over the smell!) Included among them are a complete replacement of the plumbing stack, in case I hadn't just made that obvious. For those of you who don't know, the plumbing stack is responsible for removal of waste from the property. Turn the shower on for two minutes? The garage floods with bathwater. Sexy! Also included among the necessary repairs is a complete replacement of the furnace, which won't turn on at all, and of the roof, which was supposedly redone in 2009 - which is exactly why, regardless of what the seller's disclosure says, you always get a home inspection. Even if you want to cry a little bit inside while handing over a check for $300-$600 dollars, depending on the tests you elect to have done, all while thinking about how you could be replacing your creaking and lumpy couch or buying a shiny new Xbox with that money.
The worst part? That's not even half the list. It goes on, and on, and on. What's important to note, though, is that some of the problems which are included in the list of material defects are relatively minor things. It may seem overwhelming to see "reverse polarized outlets!" and "loose wiring!" written all over the inspection in blinding red, like a book report turned in to a particularly picky teacher, until all the details are absorbed. For example, the fact that repairing a leaking supply line to a washing machine costs about $50. A good home inspector, like the one that I used, will include these rough estimates of repair on the report for you. Sometimes, that number can be reassuring. Others, like when you need a brand new roof, it can make you want to cry.
So, armed with my list of necessary repairs - which has been added to my list of desired upgrades - there's nothing else to possibly do besides meet with the contractors and get bids for the work. That will begin bright and early tomorrow morning, thanks largely to the fact that the contractor which came recommended to me has agreed to meet me at 7:30 AM, despite living much farther away from the property than I do. I take that as a good sign not only because misery loves company when getting up at the ass-crack of dawn, but also because it indicates he's willing to work around my schedule and my requirements. A second contractor will be coming late in the evening and a third on Thursday night. Once I have the multiple bids in hand, I can make a price comparison in addition to judging my comfort level with each of the renovation companies.
All I can do is pray, perhaps with the help of my new glow-in-the-dark Virgin Mary, that their estimates come in within the construction restrictions and budgetary limits of the FHA 203K Streamline program. Otherwise, the bank that had agreed to provide my financing won't be able to qualify me under any of their loan options and I'll be forced to either try to find an alternate bank or back out of the deal.
After all, as the title says...
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